We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
