So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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