All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
