All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
