I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
