I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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