I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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