mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
