I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Randomize
