went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
