pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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