Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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