You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
