true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
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