So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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