im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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