My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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