Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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