i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
