Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
It's shark week go big or go home
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
The power of my boobs compel you
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
