TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
