He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
