Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize