My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
