i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize