conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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