I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize