Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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