My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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