I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
