Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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