Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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