the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize