I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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