My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
