you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
