Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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