I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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