saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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