Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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