I am midnight drunk by noon
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
