I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
