The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
