he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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