there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
That accounts for only three of the penises
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
