Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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