Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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