Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
