but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I AM VODKA MAN
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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