Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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