I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You may now shotgun with the bride
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
