I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
