Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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