so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
