Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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