I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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