Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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