I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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