god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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